Patient Perspective:  How Do I Tell My Wife I Have Incontinence? 

How Do I Tell My Wife I Have Incontinence?

I’ve been incontinent for 1 year now, and my wife has no idea. (At least I don’t think she does).  You see I’ve gone to great lengths to hide it from her.  It’s not like I leak all the time, but a few times a week I find myself unable to make it to the bathroom in time and I have an accident. It horrifies me, since this has never happened before.

My doctor tells me I have an enlarged prostate. This, my wife knows. I’m sure she also knows some of the symptoms, since she’s the type to do research on this stuff. But I haven’t told her I suffer from bladder leaks.

I keep spare underwear hidden in the car.  I limit my fluids when I know we’re going to be out. I always scout out the nearest restroom in case I need to make a beeline to it. I even decline certain events if I think there’s a risk I may have an accident. I feel like I’m living as a secret agent with this condition – always trying to stay 1 step ahead. 

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t told her. Talking with your spouse about something that embarrasses you is never easy. But for me, this is devastating. I’ve always been her “tough guy”. The one who fixes up old cars, goes bowling with the guys on Tuesdays, can handle pretty much anything anyone throws my way. But this is different. It’s made me feel like less of a man. And I feel embarrassed that I can’t control something as simple as my bladder.

I know it’s more complicated than that, but I just can’t help thinking “What will she think of me?”  “Will she still find me attractive?” “Will she think less of me?”

We’ve always been so spontaneous. Running out at a moments notice to meet up with friends at a pub. Jumping on those last minute flights to somewhere tropical. Going to shows and concerts and ball games. I still want to be that person. That guy who does all the fun stuff. But these bladder leaks are getting in the way of that.

I know we’re getting older, but I still just want her to look at me like she always has, and I’m so scared this will change that.

I’m planning to tell her soon. I know that it’s probably better to just get it out there, Knowing my wife, she’ll probably jump right in and try to help. She’s awesome like that.

And, I’m sure her knowing will probably be good for me. We’ll find ways to deal with it together. We’ll find solutions for this condition that I know are out there but I’ve been too stubborn or embarrassed to seek out. It will be better. She will help me make it better.

But the thought of having that conversation with her is still scary as hell.  The telling is really the hardest part of all of this. Wish me luck.

Anonymous

NAFC's Message Boards Provide A Safe Community For Incontinence Sufferers

Join The NAFC Message Boards And Online Community

NAFC is a huge proponent of opening up about your incontinence. Talking with others about what you’re experiencing can be very therapeutic. But, we know that speaking openly about something like incontinence is not always so easy.

That’s why we created the NAFC message boards. It’s a anonymous community that let’s our visitors talk openly about their bladder and bowel health issues without judgment. Our community is filled with a supportive and caring community ready to help with questions, share stories, or just lend a comforting ear.

Don’t believe us? Check out some of the message board posts from our community:

“Thank you for your kind words. This is the first time that I’ve ever opened up to anyone. I’m really happy that I found a place where people are supportive and can truly understand what I’m going through.”
“Posting here is a difficult step for me to take. I am too young for this – my 24th birthday is this month. But since there are many others on this forum that share in incontinence, I will give it a try.” 
“I am a 35 year-old woman and I have been suffering from incontinence at bedtime all my life. It’s made my social/dating life very hard. I’ve turned down proposals, as I’m too ashamed to tell my partner why we can’t live together. I’m desperate to stop this so I can live a normal life and have a husband partner. I’m happy I found this community.”
“Bedwetting started for me as a teen. It was occasional and a huge source of shame for me. And to continue into adulthood was just humiliating. Hear to listen and talk with anyone else who cares to support each other with this issue.”
“Hello everyone. I’ve read some of your posts and its nice to not feel quite so alone with these sorts of problems.”

You are not alone. There are others out there who understand what you’re going through, and who are willing to listen and provide support.

If you’re struggling with incontinence, or any other bladder or bowel condition, or if you’re caring for someone who is, join our community. We’re all here for you. Because no one should have to walk this path alone.